it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
