Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
