I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
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no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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