I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
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He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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