his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
