the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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