I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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