Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
