Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
