i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
