I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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