How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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