Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
