Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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