I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
