R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
