just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
