i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
