I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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