textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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