God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
