yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
