everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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