words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
