FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I need water and some morals
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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