Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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