upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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