Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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