Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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