I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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