Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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