there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
