Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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