I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
