it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
