You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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