dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
