There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
