We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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