booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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