I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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