It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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