Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
