Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
