It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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