I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
