I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
