take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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