this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
