i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Randomize
