I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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