There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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