Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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