i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
