im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
