someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
