im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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