I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
