i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
