I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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