I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
